When Protection Becomes Harm
How coping strategies can outlive their usefulness
I’ve been down with the plague the last week and a half, so I’ve been spending a lot of time on the couch listening to The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan. I read this series in paperback over 15 years ago, so now I suppose I’m learning how I was supposed to be saying tel’aran’rhiod, sa’angreal, cuendillar, and so many other words (and why my husband kept laughing at my pronunciations).
I think it’s a mark of how good the story is that even now into book 3, I still adamantly dislike multiple main characters. (Note: you do not need to have read WoT to follow this post, but if you have, I’d be curious who drives you crazy!)
My least favorite character is probably Nynaeve al’Meara. She’s an adult. She is her village’s Wisdom, a role that functions as the local healer and leader of the women’s circle. Nynaeve is stubborn and prideful; she wants to show people up, she wants revenge, she offers no one respect as she seems to think that would make her less respected. Her power is rooted in her anger and the fear of rebuke she instills in others. She judges heavily with no thought for nuance, and she makes me want to tweak her braid and send her to therapy for some social emotional learning work.
She is also, I fear, who I would become without empathy and the careful reframing I put myself through regularly. And maybe that’s why I dislike her so much.
Because for all her faults that drive me mad, her life’s work is caring for others. She feels a sense of responsibility for those from her village, and she will stop at nothing to protect them (even if that means mistrusting and judging others who are also on her side, if not in the way she expects). Nynaeve refuses to be trampled, belittled, or ignored, and because she views respect as being a scarce resource, she refuses to show respect in an effort to protect herself. And that righteous anger? You better believe that mine is always in my back pocket and I’m just constantly talking myself through moving that anger toward a productive outlet.
All of these reactions are coping mechanisms, like using a pain killer that numbs that achy joint instead of strengthening the muscles so it works better. So our pain killers become assuming that if someone disagrees with our idea, that means they don’t respect us and they think we are stupid, and replaying events because surely it’s all our fault and everyone is mad at us. And the cycle continues: hurt people hurt people. What’s annoying in fiction becomes dangerous in real life.
The beauty is, however, that healed people heal people. And it’s never too late. Yes, it would have been really cool if everyone had someone to help them strengthen those joints when they were younger (I really think that’s ideal), but we cannot keep asking others to be the adult for us, to shield us from discomfort or manage our emotions for us. It’s on us to learn to sit in the discomfort of different ideas without defensiveness, to learn to work well with others who might not be our favorite cup of tea.
This emotional immaturity is wrecking our relationships and communities.
Emotional immaturity is dangerous not because it is loud or annoying, but because it recruits other people into regulating your feelings for you. And love cannot survive in a relationship where one person must always be the emotional adult.
Speaking of that righteous anger…
Beware My Haunting
The me you knew is gone. She died the other week, drowning on blood from the tongue she’d been biting for years. I’ve returned as a banshee, screaming agony at those who cause harm. Publicly, so all may hear. I am a Fylgja, watching over the oppressed. Sharp teeth waiting, ready to protect. My hesitation is gone and I will no longer keep the peace at the expense of others. I have taken back the power that my niceness stripped from me. Beware my haunting.
If you like this piece and want a reminder of how you can use that righteous anger responsibly, you can get a digital download for $5 here.
Sending you all so, so much love,
Stephanie